What Chelsea from White Lotus Teaches Us About People-Pleasing and Anxiety
We need to talk about Chelsea.
If you watched Season 3 of The White Lotus, you probably fell for her: the sunny and daffy sidekick, the peacekeeper, the one who tried so hard to be the light in the middle of other people’s chaos. (For those unfamiliar with the show, Chelsea is a free-spirited former yoga teacher traveling with her emotionally guarded boyfriend. She’s warm, eager to connect, and agreeable. Often to keep the peace at great personal cost.)
She was charming and warm, easy to root for. Viewers loved her. I loved her.
And yet, I found myself watching with a sense of dread that deepened with every episode.
Because underneath all that sweetness was something so many of us know too well.
Anxiety.
A fear of conflict.
A nervous system working overtime to keep everyone else calm at her own expense.
Chelsea wasn’t just “the nice one.” She was the anxious one.
And her need to be needed, to be liked, to be accepted came at a high cost.
When People-Pleasing Becomes a Survival Strategy
Chelsea’s people-pleasing might have looked like kindness, but if you listen closely, it was the sound of self-abandonment.
Throughout the season, you saw her:
Reassuring Rick, even as his behavior became increasingly volatile (Rick is Chelsea’s emotionally guarded boyfriend who carries unresolved emotional pain that shows up as disapproval or withdrawal)
Laughing off moments of discomfort
Finding ways to join with others even when their ideas were off base
Trying to “fix” Saxon after he disrespected her boundaries (Saxon is the privileged son of a wealthy family who masks insecurity with charm and intensity, creating a confusing dynamic that pulls Chelsea in)
Downplaying her own needs in favor of soothing other people’s feelings
Offering grace, over and over again, without receiving it in return
She chose not to set a boundary with Rick. Again and again, she reached toward him hoping for connection and acceptance. Again and again, she was met with disapproval, distance, or outright rejection. Yet she kept showing up, trying harder and giving more. Her loyalty was admirable but it was also a quiet form of self-abandonment.
She did set a boundary with Saxon when she said no to his advances. Then she overrode her own boundary to comfort him and help him become a better person even when he again disrespected her relationship boundary.
That is the painful truth about people-pleasing.
It often includes setting a boundary, then feeling guilty and undoing it.
Chelsea’s generosity was genuine. But when care for others consistently outweighed care for herself, it became self-sacrifice. In the end, her struggle to hold a boundary combined with her deep longing to feel loved, even by those who didn’t treat her well, led her into harm’s way.
Why People-Pleasing and Anxiety Are So Often Linked
We tend to think of people-pleasing as a personality trait: “She’s just really sweet,” “She hates conflict,” “She’s the glue that holds everyone together.”
But clinically? People-pleasing is often a survival strategy rooted in anxiety.
It’s the nervous system saying:
“If I keep everyone happy, I’ll be safe.”
“If I’m easygoing, I won’t be rejected.”
“If I don’t make waves, I’ll be loved.”
Let’s be honest. Most of us were trained to do this.
Especially for women and those raised in nurturing roles, people-pleasing is socialized early and consistently rewarded. You’re praised for being selfless, thoughtful, flexible. You’re the one who smooths things over, anticipates needs, keeps everyone comfortable.
So of course it’s a hard habit to break. People-pleasing feels like love. It feels like safety. It feels like being good.
But goodness that comes at the cost of your well-being? That’s not health. That’s sacrifice.
Why People-Pleasing Is Emotionally Exhausting
The hardest part of being a people-pleaser is that it can look like you’re fine - calm, generous, easygoing - even when you’re overwhelmed inside.
You’re praised for being supportive and understanding.
You’re the one others rely on.
You might even pride yourself on being “low maintenance.”
But here’s the quiet cost:
You struggle to say what you really think
You feel responsible for other people’s moods
You don’t know how to ask for what you need
And sometimes, you don’t even know what you need because you’re so used to tuning in to everyone else
On the outside, you’re Chelsea, easy to be around.
But on the inside, you’re exhausted, unsure of yourself, and wondering why it feels like you’re living someone else’s life.
How to Set and Hold Healthy Emotional Boundaries
Chelsea did try to set boundaries. She said no. She pulled away. She even named her discomfort.
But here’s the thing:
A boundary isn’t just what you say. It’s what you do after you say it.
Setting a boundary is one step.
Holding it is another.
And when you’ve spent years prioritizing other people’s comfort, holding a boundary can feel mean even though it’s actually a profound act of self-care.
When you prioritize the emotional well-being of others over your own safety, peace, or values, you are not “being kind.” You are abandoning yourself.
Caring for others is a beautiful thing.
But when it becomes people-pleasing, you’re no longer part of the caring equation.
You forget that you matter too.
4 Ways to Start Healing from People-Pleasing
If you saw yourself in Chelsea, I want to gently offer a few things to reflect on:
Start noticing the moments you override yourself
That moment you say yes when you feel a no? That flicker of resentment when you’re helping… again? That’s good information. That’s your inner wisdom asking to be heard.Ask: What am I afraid will happen if I disappoint someone?
Often, people-pleasing isn’t about liking people—it’s about fearing disconnection. Fear of being seen as selfish. Fear of being alone. Getting clear on those fears helps you respond rather than react.Let “kindness” include you
Being kind doesn’t mean making yourself disappear. It means caring for yourself with the same tenderness you offer everyone else. You’re not less worthy of comfort, space, or rest.Practice tolerating discomfort
People might not love your boundaries. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re growing. You’re allowed to disappoint people. And you’re allowed to survive it.
The Relief of Letting Go of People-Pleasing
When you start loosening the grip of people-pleasing, something surprising happens:
You feel lighter, clearer, and more rooted in yourself.
You begin to trust both your inner yes and your inner no.
You feel safer being seen as you are rather than someone others expect you to be.
And your relationships? They become more honest, more reciprocal, and more real.
You stop spending so much energy managing how you’re perceived and start spending that energy building a life that actually feels like yours.
Try This: A Gentle Pause to Reconnect With Yourself
The Pause + Check-In
Before saying yes to a request, take a breath and ask yourself:
Do I want to do this?
Do I have the capacity to do this?
Am I saying yes to connect or to avoid guilt or conflict?
What does it feel like in my body when I consider saying yes or no?
What do I need to take care of me in this situation?
Final Thoughts
Chelsea was lovable because she made herself easy to love.
But what if she didn’t have to try so hard?
What if love didn’t require shrinking, softening, or disappearing?
What if holding boundaries—especially when it’s uncomfortable—is actually how you come back to yourself?
You are not here to be the fixer of everyone else’s mess.
You are not here to sacrifice your safety to keep others from feeling awkward.
You are allowed to be clear. You are allowed to walk away.
You are allowed to take care of you.
Being sweet isn’t bad.
But being whole is better.
Warmly,
Andrea
This site is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose or treat mental health or medical conditions, nor should it be used to do so.